being real

My heart is not a home for cowards. d. antoinette foy

Over the last few weeks, I have been sharing my thoughts and what is in my heart, but I feel like I have been muting myself a bit which has made it hard for me to find continued motivation to write this blog.  In realizing this, and talking with friends that know me, I was encouraged to be real and stay true to who I really am. So I’m going to reveal something about myself -I don’t really like people … well, most people that is.

I know a lot of you out there think this way and don’t ever verbalize this, but I am not one of those people. Socially I can’t stand (and don’t trust) most women, and most men are so insecure and immature that I don’t have the patience to be around them. I admit that there are only a few people in this world that I can spend an extended amount of time with before I get tired of being around them. It’s nothing against them, I just know that I can be hard to “get”. I enjoy being with friends, but I value my alone time, and if you are truly my friend you understand this.

When this year started, I approached it knowing that there would be significant changes ahead. I was grieved by how much time I have wasted in my life surrounding myself with disingenuous people.  Recently in one of my graduate classes, we were debating the pros and cons of online classes. One group presented on the pros and the rest of the class had to argue the cons. One of the pro arguments was that even though a student doesn’t have class interaction with other students, they stay connected by various professional and personal settings. After hearing this, I raised my hand and boldly stated, “People choose groups that they feel connected to or are interested in such as their church group or social clubs. In this class, there is a broad range of personalities and likes that I never would have chosen to be around but now I’m learning very diverse viewpoints by what I can only see as forced interaction.” The friends I had made in that class understood me but only one person spoke up and supported me!  Just one!!! I got so much grief for that comment but afterwards many of the students in that class told me they agreed with me, they just couldn’t believe I said it out loud.

My life has been full of tremendous challenges, but I have finally started to climb out of the hole that I have been in and I refuse to go backwards. Over the years I feel that I have wasted so much time worrying about who liked me and who didn’t that I was never truly being me because I was always trying to be the me that would make others like me better. I was miserable because in the end, no one really got to know who I was.  Well, not anymore! The friends that I now choose to have in my life are real, genuine, and I trust them with my heart.  As for myself, I am loyal, direct and honest with my friends and I will do my best to keep them in my life forever. There have been moments in my life, including very recently, that I have considered shutting myself off and putting a distance between myself and everyone I know so that no one gets close enough to hurt me. There have been countless times when my heart has been crushed and I have been deeply damaged as any self-esteem that I had was shattered. This mindset would save me from a lot of hurt and pain, but I do not want to function that way. In the end I think it would just feel like I am not living my life authentically and I would much rather hurt and love than build walls and not let others in.

I admit that I can be somewhat blunt at times, and I should work on that, but I promise you that I will always let you know what my true feelings are. Sometimes I will straight out tell you and other times you will be able to read it on my face… either way, I’m honest with you and I expect the same in return. I cannot and will not be fake. Speaking of being honest, I will tell you that half the time I have NO idea what I am doing, but I am going to be as real as I can while I figure it all out.  So if you are close to me, you get me and I appreciate your support.  But if our paths should happen to cross in life and you don’t get me, then I honestly don’t care.



And now the better half:

Judy likes people.  I have been with her in public and couldn’t take two steps without her saying hello to someone else that she knows. She has many friends, and I know that a lot of people make efforts at being in her life because they actually want to be her friend.

The problem is Judy knows exactly what type of friend she wants, and can tell very early on whether someone will have those characteristics. She is not unique with this type of behavior. As we get older, the amount of friends we have in our lives decreases. When we are young we want to be “friends” with everyone, and we were often blind to negative behavior that some of these people exhibited, because we wanted their friendship. Growing older essentially means becoming more selfish, and this creates less time available for the half-way/sometimes friends.

Although a common situation for many, Judy is different in how she approaches because she despises the cheesey-fake interactions. True friends don’t need small talk, so when an acquaintance starts a conversation with this, it is a quick turn off, and can be seen as fake. I have seen people ask each other about “how their weekend was”, and walk away as the other person answered. They only asked the question as a greeting instead of actually caring how the other person was doing. The problem is, society teaches us to be social, therefore there are a lot of “fake” interactions and friendships. Do we actually need all the extra fake friends? Of course not, but we are often deemed in a negative light if we outwardly show our distaste for these interactions. When a casual acquaintance asks us about our life out of common courtesy we are taught to engage back, no matter if the conversation is genuine or not. I get that. I understand. It makes sense. But…

But Judy, nor I, has time for this. Life is short, and I want to spend the time having quality conversations with people I care about and not the trivial short conversations. There is nothing wrong with me, but many people see this as being anti-social. Hey, the reason I didn’t ask you “How your weekend was” was because I really don’t care how it was. Sometimes I wish we could accept people not being our friends and just leaving it as that. We don’t need to have 100 fake friends running around, I mean hey, that’s what Facebook is for.

I value my friendships, just like Judy does. I give 100 percent to those in my life… and one of the main reason is because I don’t spread myself thin with the people that are not true friends. If you are my friend you know it, and you have me for life. Conversely, if you aren’t my friend, you will know that… and there isn’t anything wrong with that.





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  • Elisa Reynoso

    All I want to say is: GOOOOOO JUDY!!!!!!!!! I’m at that place in my life, but you just vocalized that for me. I agree, with the “better half”, you probably know a lot of people and even thoughts that WANT to be around you, get to know you, be in your space (like ME)…… But you have to choose what you want. Major standing ovation for Judy right now!!! Love, love, love this blog entry.

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