Let’s Just Be Friends California

 

The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.     Ernest Hemingway

 

Growing up in California I lived about an hour away from the coast, but rarely found the time to drive to the beach. Now that I live in Arizona, I try to make it to the beach every chance that I get! I find so much peace and stillness when I sit on the sand and listen to the crashing sounds of the ocean waves.  Leaving California and moving to Arizona over 12 years ago, was an extremely painful decision to make. I never wanted to leave the home that was familiar to me, my church, or my group of supportive friends. Despair filled my heart because as hard as life was for me in Cali, there was increasing apprehension that what lay ahead of me would be far worse.

Over the years, California became a place of sadness and loss that seemed to continually drain me. One of the hardest days of my life was when my sons and I dropped my daughter Ronnie off at college. While moving her into her dorm, we drove past houses in our old neighborhoods and spent the week end at our favorite places to eat, but then it was time to leave. I can still remember the agonizing pain that I felt when she closed the door to her dorm room. After taking a few steps down the hallway I collapsed. Tears poured down my cheeks as I sobbed. I fought the urge to go back and either move in with her or take her back to Arizona with me. My sons quietly and protectively stood beside me and finally, Anthony gently leaned over and helped me up. As they all guided me back to the car in silence, it felt like California had robbed me and taken my daughter.

I have also experienced California to be the location of some of my most screwed up personal relationships. In particular, I had a close friendship with one of my childhood friends completely disintegrate because he chose the wrong time in my life to finally express his feelings, and I only needed him to be the friend to me that he always had been.  My heart was still hurting over the recent and painful breakup of my long term boyfriend who was going to school in California; we had just ended our 4 year relationship. People matter very much to me and I don’t always know how to cope with a relationship ending. I tend to hold on to the pain and hurt associated with breakups far after it is over. I find that sometimes it is just easier to pretend that a person, that was once very dear to my heart, never existed. I know that’s wrong, but this is the best way I know how to cope when the agony of a relationship that matters, falls apart. I realize that I have misdirected bitterness at California for filling my heart with sadness and pain, and to me it has now become a graveyard for my failed relationships.

Lately I have been trying to view California in a new light. Recently, I drove to California and spent time with friends and family, which reminded me of what I love about it. The food is better (sorry Arizona), my little girl is earning her degree at a Cal State and of course, there is always the beautiful beach. Although moving away from California was difficult, I believe that my strongest growth came in the years that followed. Having the courage to finally take control of my life and let go of insecurities, has allowed me to begin to uncover who I truly am. As I continue to focus on the positives and slowly let go of the circumstances that have caused me heartache, I am finding a renewed love for California. The fear I held for the changes that would take place in my life are long gone. Decisions I have had to make have altered my life dramatically, but I am thankful and indebted to lessons I am learning along the way.  California will always be home to me and even though I do not have any plans to ever move back, there is comfort in knowing I would be welcome if I did.

 

Upcoming: Tomorrow “What He Says”! It’s time to hear the guys view!

 

With love,

 

Judy

 

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Comments
  • Tighe'
    Reply

    Dangit, woman…you made me cry. I am so proud of the courage and vulnerability that you are revealing….I’m living some moments, hard ones, through you and your blog right now. Thank you for having the courage, for so many of us. Much love to you, always.

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